Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Monster Hunting

Back when I was pregnant with my son, nearly 4 years ago; I remember hoping and praying that he would be born on February 29th. How cool it would have been. I still had another month to go, and thankfully, I went to term and my precious, healthy boy was born via C-section. Labor can suck it. I was in labor for over 24 hours and for what ever reason, I went thru 3 epidurals and a spinal block. None of them worked. I'm like a fuckin elephant! Again, labor can suck it.
Yesterday, I asked Mavrick to go clean up his room. He responded, quite seriously, "This is the worst day of my entire life!". Boy oh boy is he gonna hate the rest of his life when he has things like bills, or God forbid, CHILDREN. I wonder how he will feel about all that nonsense? 
I have a vast selection of colored hairsprays. Mavrick of course is super intrigued by all things hair. On occasion, he asks to have his hair colored all kinds of crazy ways. This is always something I'm obliged to do for him. It isn't permanent for God's sake. What does it hurt? The only problem is that his scalp tends to get a bit stained from it, which makes him look like he is bleeding from the scalp. That always gets plenty of funny reactions.
The other night, He tells me "Mom, tomorrow, I'm going to hunt monsters. Don't worry. I'll be careful." I truly wish I could get into his head, just for an hour. I wonder if it would completely change my thinking? I bet I'd come out pretty enlightened.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Camp Out!

Hey! Want to come to a campout? Evidently Mavrick has planned one and already started inviting kids from school. I wonder if he knows that I'm only one person and more that 2 kids staying here at a time requires more xanax than Whitney Houston could take... I love kids and most the time my motto is "The more the merrier." However, that motto doesn't mean, hey 3 year olds, party over here! Not to seem antisocial or anything.
Mav turns 4 on March 26th. What kind of things do most kids that age ask for as far as gifts go? Mine wants an iPad, camping equipment and supplies for building. Ha! He said iPad. I didn't get one until I was 29 and I only got mine because I paid for it. I was chatting with my boyfriend about it and I said mine only cost $800. He laughed at me and said "that's more than my truck."
How come everyone on kids TV shows sings like they're Christina Aguilera? How come they always wear the same clothes everyday too? I wear the same thing everyday, but I'm lazy and hate shopping. What's their excuse?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Kitty haircuts

My cat thinks that he is a Bulldog. Seriously. He is bowlegged, eats dog food, and, can hold his own when wrestling with my 80lb dog. Another great thing about my cat is that he doesn't mind a good haircut now and then. I didn't know this until last night. I was busy cooking dinner when the quiet ensued. Like most parents know, quiet is usually bad. I sneaked over to Mav's door and peeked inside the windows. At first, all I noticed, was the cat laying on the train table, peaceful, and Mav seemingly petting him. Then I noticed the craft scissors. Did you know those suckers can cut hair? Well now you do!
I asked my son what he was doing. He was giving the cat a "style". My cat was letting him too. Enjoying it even. So now, my beautiful cat has patches of holes in his beautiful hair. This is one of those moments when laughing is inappropriate. Completely unavoidable, inappropriate none the less.
I think my son may spend too much time in the salon. I'm just waiting for the day when I fall asleep and wake up with a new "style". Oh boy! I can't wait!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Lysol is the shit.

Mav is sick. That is always a bummer. It's times like this that I'm thankful for things like Lysol and cough syrup. Over the week of New Year's, I managed to get Strep Throat. That should NEVER happen to adults. It's like being attacked with a cheese grater and quaaludes, and then trying to maintain sanity while still holding down a household. Something only a Parent can do. The point is, I also managed to be the only one who got it. Lysol is amazing.
Other things that are a must in probably every household are probably not things that would immediately jump into your head. Scotch tape. For Christ's sake if you need a few effing minutes to yourself, hand your kid some tape. Keep in mind you will have to do some cleaning up. Keep tyedye handy. I'm serious. If you have NOTHING to do, grab something white, twist is up and dye it. Whala- you're not bored anymore. Belts. Those are always fun. I always have a box of cake mix around. Cupcakes are not only a fun project, but can be used as leverage if your kid starts acting like a total fool. Can't tell you how many times I've threatened to NOT make cupcakes. Always, ALWAYS have enough crap around to build forts. That's more for the grownups, we gotta have somewhere to hide from the little turds, right?
Here is something that I learned from the baby whisperer. Mary Guthrie is a friggin super genius.. I should probably be keeping this one to myself, because it's that awesome. Magic Dust. It is an invisible dust that hides well in, well, anywhere, because it's invisible. Anytime there is a minor to major ouchie, magic dust is like kid Xanax. Sprinkle a bit on and the calm immediately ensues. Is it too soon after Whitney Houston's death to be making Xanax jokes? Nah. Happy Friday everybody!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Mick Jagger

I love food. Unabashedly. So. I don't understand how most the time getting my child to eat is reacted to as though I've asked him to rip his own eyes out with his toenails. Seriously, it's that bad for him. I'm a pretty damn good cook too. Plus, I'm Italian. Italian women love to see people eat. Anyone that has been to my house knows that not much makes me happier than feeding people.
Mav has chapped cheeks. I love when that happens because I get to put the super thick white balm on his cheeks which makes him look like he has clown makeup on. This morning he was complaining to me about how he wished he did'nt have such a mean Mom. I find myself often saying the whole, you'll thank me when you're older, and I'm not your friend, I'm your Mom stuff. Everyone says that they'll never end up acting like their Mother. I'm totally guilty of saying it, I'm also guilty of TOTALLY being like my Mother. At this point in my life, however, I'm not real concerned with it. My Mom kicks ass, I'm glad that I'm like her. I'm willing to bet that one day, my kiddo is gonna feel the same way about me. Well, either that, or he will do the whole move away to become a farmer thing.
Mavrick has a bunch of guitars. Once I was telling him not to tie things to the neck. This kid stopped what he was doing, looked at me with tears in his eyes, and says "FINE! Now I'll never be like Mick Jagger!". I'm not gonna lie, I'd rather that, then Keith Richards. Who am I kidding? Those dudes make bank and I'm fairly certain neither are gonna die. Ever.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Mrs. Cragglewaggle

Where do funny thoughts come from? I have them all the time as I'm sure most of us do from time to time. Right now I'm blogging from my iPad that I've had for less than a year. It is cracked to all holy shit, but not to worry! My son, Mr.Fix-it, has filled the main cracks with play-doh. I swear to you, one day my child will grow up, change his name to Rick and move to the country to start up a sheep farm or something real wholesome like that. He will not have outrageous hair, he won't have a single tattoo. Shit, he will likely stop cussing all together. Regardless, I'm gonna be proud of him, I just have always imagined that being the ultimate rebellion. Just last week, he asked me to give him a "normal" haircut. Who hates mullets or Mohawks? Or the combination of the two? Now I'm just gonna start listing some of the most recent funny things I've overheard my son say. Enjoy. -I had a great dream last night- about ice cream. -ok mrs cragglewaggle. -Me and my son are gonna paint the deck purple. -how many times did I say that?? It's hard to sit here and list off things! Please feel free to post any doozies you've heard lately :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Does anyone else have a kid that reprimands them for reprimanding them? Mavrick does all the time. I have caught myself questioning myself on occasion. Was that a valid timeout? Did I just overreact to him building stuff out of the VHS tapes? Is wearing his snow boots on the wrong feet REALLY going to cause him to break both ankles?
I love being a Mom. Everything about it is fascinating. I am obscenely proud of my child. I am also (obviously) quite proud of my mad skills raising him. I love that Mavrick's village is so vast. I am so glad that everyone I allow into my life has a hand in helping me create a well rounded grown up. There is no such thing as a single parent. Or maybe, I'm right, and I really am the luckiest gal in the world.
So today, I look over and Mavrick has a wad of cotton sticking out of his nose. I tell him to take it out. He replies "it takes the pressure out of my ears and nose". How does one argue with that. I mean, that is specific. Who knew? Got pressure? Stick some cotton up there. There's your advice for the day. You're welcome.

Monday, February 13, 2012

My first ever BLOG!

This sucker is dedicated to my over the top child. He is 3 going on 16. The things that come out of his mouth are unreal at best. I want to make sure that I never forget any of the things he says or does. What better way to do that than to keep a written record? I have never blogged before and I don't really know what I'm doing, but here goes nothin!
This morning I made cinnamon rolls for Mavrick and I. As I was in the kitchen putting a roll on a plate for Mav, He starts yelling, "I'm shitting!". I immediately ask him what he is talking about since my kid is also potty trained. Basicly, I know that he is not literally shitting. He was having issues with his milk, which was leaking out of his tippy. To show how angry he was about the leaky cup he yells about shitting. This is something that I seriously don't have a problem with as long as he uses his bad words in the correct context. Honestly. He did not, however, use the words correctly.
My son has a pretty impressive vocabulary. I am honestly not sure why. I sometimes wonder if it's because I never "baby talked" to him. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with me. My son also has a wild understanding of the ways the world  works. He knows that muttering 'fuckin shit' under his breath is only going to get him a mild scolding from me. Here's the thing. He KNOWS that he can't say those things to, say, my Grandma, or at pre-school.
Now. This may or may not make me the World's worst mother. I'll let you be the judge. If you don't mind reading about the crazy shit my kid says, great, read on. If you don't like it, that's cool too. Just know, that if you offend my kid, he will likely use his pretend phone to call the Police and order a hit on you. Don't take it personally, I have been pretend murdered a million times and I'm still just fine.