ShitMy4YearOldSays

So Mavrick has been 4 for a little over a week. Not much has changed. His birthday party was a blast as you can expect. My child has so many people that love him! We love them just as much. Awwwww.
One of the great quotes of the party came from Mavrick after He and Jenica got the homemade ice cream going. This is their 'thing' that they do together. After the stuff had been churning for a while, Mav went in to check on it. He comes running outside and says "Jenica! I checked the ice cream and it smells BEAUTIFUL!" That certainly got some giggles from the group.
My dear friends Holly and Wayne and their little ones, Austin and Zane got Mav a hermit crab from Mississippi. Can I just say how freakin cute those suckers are! It's name is Mavrick James. How original is that? Ahh my child.
My older brother my have had a momentarily slip of sanity when he filled Mavs watering can with candy. Dude, your kid is turning 1 in June. He may not be able to eat candy yet, but you can, and I curse you by assuring your ass gets fat. HA!
This morning there was the classic Stones vs Beatles debate going on FaceBook. I figured I would at least ask Mavrick his thoughts since these are his 2 favorite bands ever. Wow. My child looked at me with such confusion. You mean people don't know which is better? Wait. One is better than the other? Wait. No. Noooo. He solved the age old question pretty simply. They're both the best. Duh.
Well I'm going to try and figure out how to actually change my blogs name. Hopefully I am able to blog a bit more frequently, life is busy!

Fire Breathing

It's almost Mav's 4th birthday! Where does the time go? I really believe that time goes so much faster once you have children because you forget to pay attention to everything else but them growing up. I'm so lucky to still have my snuggly little boy, well, most the time. He has his moments where I'm a thorn in his side. Sometimes he is just too grown up for kisses. He literally says things like "Mom, I'm getting older now."
He asked the other night why people can't breath fire. What? How do you answer that kind of question? Laughter is all that came to mind.
I just helped him get his tent unstuck from under his door in his room. He thanked me and told me he really appreciated it. Such a courteous young man.
My kid has a couple of imaginary friends. He has Peanutbutter Doug, who is his son; and his brother Jackson. I have been convinced on more than one occasion that Jackson may really exist. Who knows? I mean, I know that I haven't had another kid. His Dad could have another child I'm unaware of. Either way, Jackson is real to Mavrick. I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid named Jimmy Jeff Lee. He got arrested once and had a girlfriend named Cherry on the top.
I leave you today with one question. Why can't people breathe fire? Discuss.

Stealing is bad, mmmmmmk?

Today Mavrick and I had our first conversation about something fundamentally moral. We were at the beauty supply and Mavrick found a pair of blue tweezers he figured he couldn't live without. He figured that the tweezers would be his fix all for any health problem in his forseeable future. Splinters are a frequent ailment for us. Mavrick is always carrying around old boards and sticks and whatnot. Hair is always getting stuck in me. Yes. Hair splinters exist, and, they're heinous.
After paying for my supplies, we walked out the door and my sweet boy proudly looks up at me and says "now I can get my owies out!". Problem with all the precious delight in his new treasure is that it was stolen. With deep sadness in my heart because of how much pride I saw in his face, I had him turn around and return the awesome blue tweezers and apologize. His pride was crushed. I got him into his booster seat and explained to him that taking things without paying for them is wrong. Boy!  That kid got crocodile tears in his eyes and it truly almost broke my heart.
I started thinking about the tone in which I immediately reacted to seeing the stolen goods in his hands. I probably scared the shit out of him! I apologized for the way I reacted and smothered him in kisses and reminded him that until this moment, he didn't know what stealing was. How the hell else do you react? I once read a story about a Mother/Son team that went on a country wide stealing/murdering spree. That isn't exactly where I see Mav and I in 15 years. I mean, maybe if the Zombie Apocalypse shows up, but at that point, fuck morals, were gonna steal shit and kill some GD zombies.
After my boy calms down, I return to the drivers seat and start the car. We barely get out of the parking lot and he is in tears again. I ask him in my most motherly, 'you did nothing wrong', comforting voice what was wrong.... He looks at me quite seriously and says- "I thought we were friends."
Evidently our opinions on the Mother/Son country wide robbery spree weren't exactly on point.
I think I'll go back tomorrow and grab a pair of blue tweezers.

Monster Hunting

Back when I was pregnant with my son, nearly 4 years ago; I remember hoping and praying that he would be born on February 29th. How cool it would have been. I still had another month to go, and thankfully, I went to term and my precious, healthy boy was born via C-section. Labor can suck it. I was in labor for over 24 hours and for what ever reason, I went thru 3 epidurals and a spinal block. None of them worked. I'm like a fuckin elephant! Again, labor can suck it.
Yesterday, I asked Mavrick to go clean up his room. He responded, quite seriously, "This is the worst day of my entire life!". Boy oh boy is he gonna hate the rest of his life when he has things like bills, or God forbid, CHILDREN. I wonder how he will feel about all that nonsense? 
I have a vast selection of colored hairsprays. Mavrick of course is super intrigued by all things hair. On occasion, he asks to have his hair colored all kinds of crazy ways. This is always something I'm obliged to do for him. It isn't permanent for God's sake. What does it hurt? The only problem is that his scalp tends to get a bit stained from it, which makes him look like he is bleeding from the scalp. That always gets plenty of funny reactions.
The other night, He tells me "Mom, tomorrow, I'm going to hunt monsters. Don't worry. I'll be careful." I truly wish I could get into his head, just for an hour. I wonder if it would completely change my thinking? I bet I'd come out pretty enlightened.

Camp Out!

Hey! Want to come to a campout? Evidently Mavrick has planned one and already started inviting kids from school. I wonder if he knows that I'm only one person and more that 2 kids staying here at a time requires more xanax than Whitney Houston could take... I love kids and most the time my motto is "The more the merrier." However, that motto doesn't mean, hey 3 year olds, party over here! Not to seem antisocial or anything.
Mav turns 4 on March 26th. What kind of things do most kids that age ask for as far as gifts go? Mine wants an iPad, camping equipment and supplies for building. Ha! He said iPad. I didn't get one until I was 29 and I only got mine because I paid for it. I was chatting with my boyfriend about it and I said mine only cost $800. He laughed at me and said "that's more than my truck."
How come everyone on kids TV shows sings like they're Christina Aguilera? How come they always wear the same clothes everyday too? I wear the same thing everyday, but I'm lazy and hate shopping. What's their excuse?

Kitty haircuts

My cat thinks that he is a Bulldog. Seriously. He is bowlegged, eats dog food, and, can hold his own when wrestling with my 80lb dog. Another great thing about my cat is that he doesn't mind a good haircut now and then. I didn't know this until last night. I was busy cooking dinner when the quiet ensued. Like most parents know, quiet is usually bad. I sneaked over to Mav's door and peeked inside the windows. At first, all I noticed, was the cat laying on the train table, peaceful, and Mav seemingly petting him. Then I noticed the craft scissors. Did you know those suckers can cut hair? Well now you do!
I asked my son what he was doing. He was giving the cat a "style". My cat was letting him too. Enjoying it even. So now, my beautiful cat has patches of holes in his beautiful hair. This is one of those moments when laughing is inappropriate. Completely unavoidable, inappropriate none the less.
I think my son may spend too much time in the salon. I'm just waiting for the day when I fall asleep and wake up with a new "style". Oh boy! I can't wait!

Lysol is the shit.

Mav is sick. That is always a bummer. It's times like this that I'm thankful for things like Lysol and cough syrup. Over the week of New Year's, I managed to get Strep Throat. That should NEVER happen to adults. It's like being attacked with a cheese grater and quaaludes, and then trying to maintain sanity while still holding down a household. Something only a Parent can do. The point is, I also managed to be the only one who got it. Lysol is amazing.
Other things that are a must in probably every household are probably not things that would immediately jump into your head. Scotch tape. For Christ's sake if you need a few effing minutes to yourself, hand your kid some tape. Keep in mind you will have to do some cleaning up. Keep tyedye handy. I'm serious. If you have NOTHING to do, grab something white, twist is up and dye it. Whala- you're not bored anymore. Belts. Those are always fun. I always have a box of cake mix around. Cupcakes are not only a fun project, but can be used as leverage if your kid starts acting like a total fool. Can't tell you how many times I've threatened to NOT make cupcakes. Always, ALWAYS have enough crap around to build forts. That's more for the grownups, we gotta have somewhere to hide from the little turds, right?
Here is something that I learned from the baby whisperer. Mary Guthrie is a friggin super genius.. I should probably be keeping this one to myself, because it's that awesome. Magic Dust. It is an invisible dust that hides well in, well, anywhere, because it's invisible. Anytime there is a minor to major ouchie, magic dust is like kid Xanax. Sprinkle a bit on and the calm immediately ensues. Is it too soon after Whitney Houston's death to be making Xanax jokes? Nah. Happy Friday everybody!

Mick Jagger

I love food. Unabashedly. So. I don't understand how most the time getting my child to eat is reacted to as though I've asked him to rip his own eyes out with his toenails. Seriously, it's that bad for him. I'm a pretty damn good cook too. Plus, I'm Italian. Italian women love to see people eat. Anyone that has been to my house knows that not much makes me happier than feeding people.
Mav has chapped cheeks. I love when that happens because I get to put the super thick white balm on his cheeks which makes him look like he has clown makeup on. This morning he was complaining to me about how he wished he did'nt have such a mean Mom. I find myself often saying the whole, you'll thank me when you're older, and I'm not your friend, I'm your Mom stuff. Everyone says that they'll never end up acting like their Mother. I'm totally guilty of saying it, I'm also guilty of TOTALLY being like my Mother. At this point in my life, however, I'm not real concerned with it. My Mom kicks ass, I'm glad that I'm like her. I'm willing to bet that one day, my kiddo is gonna feel the same way about me. Well, either that, or he will do the whole move away to become a farmer thing.
Mavrick has a bunch of guitars. Once I was telling him not to tie things to the neck. This kid stopped what he was doing, looked at me with tears in his eyes, and says "FINE! Now I'll never be like Mick Jagger!". I'm not gonna lie, I'd rather that, then Keith Richards. Who am I kidding? Those dudes make bank and I'm fairly certain neither are gonna die. Ever.

Mrs. Cragglewaggle

Where do funny thoughts come from? I have them all the time as I'm sure most of us do from time to time. Right now I'm blogging from my iPad that I've had for less than a year. It is cracked to all holy shit, but not to worry! My son, Mr.Fix-it, has filled the main cracks with play-doh. I swear to you, one day my child will grow up, change his name to Rick and move to the country to start up a sheep farm or something real wholesome like that. He will not have outrageous hair, he won't have a single tattoo. Shit, he will likely stop cussing all together. Regardless, I'm gonna be proud of him, I just have always imagined that being the ultimate rebellion. Just last week, he asked me to give him a "normal" haircut. Who hates mullets or Mohawks? Or the combination of the two? Now I'm just gonna start listing some of the most recent funny things I've overheard my son say. Enjoy. -I had a great dream last night- about ice cream. -ok mrs cragglewaggle. -Me and my son are gonna paint the deck purple. -how many times did I say that?? It's hard to sit here and list off things! Please feel free to post any doozies you've heard lately :)

Cotton

Does anyone else have a kid that reprimands them for reprimanding them? Mavrick does all the time. I have caught myself questioning myself on occasion. Was that a valid timeout? Did I just overreact to him building stuff out of the VHS tapes? Is wearing his snow boots on the wrong feet REALLY going to cause him to break both ankles?
I love being a Mom. Everything about it is fascinating. I am obscenely proud of my child. I am also (obviously) quite proud of my mad skills raising him. I love that Mavrick's village is so vast. I am so glad that everyone I allow into my life has a hand in helping me create a well rounded grown up. There is no such thing as a single parent. Or maybe, I'm right, and I really am the luckiest gal in the world.
So today, I look over and Mavrick has a wad of cotton sticking out of his nose. I tell him to take it out. He replies "it takes the pressure out of my ears and nose". How does one argue with that. I mean, that is specific. Who knew? Got pressure? Stick some cotton up there. There's your advice for the day. You're welcome.

My first ever BLOG!

This sucker is dedicated to my over the top child. He is 3 going on 16. The things that come out of his mouth are unreal at best. I want to make sure that I never forget any of the things he says or does. What better way to do that than to keep a written record? I have never blogged before and I don't really know what I'm doing, but here goes nothin!
This morning I made cinnamon rolls for Mavrick and I. As I was in the kitchen putting a roll on a plate for Mav, He starts yelling, "I'm shitting!". I immediately ask him what he is talking about since my kid is also potty trained. Basicly, I know that he is not literally shitting. He was having issues with his milk, which was leaking out of his tippy. To show how angry he was about the leaky cup he yells about shitting. This is something that I seriously don't have a problem with as long as he uses his bad words in the correct context. Honestly. He did not, however, use the words correctly.
My son has a pretty impressive vocabulary. I am honestly not sure why. I sometimes wonder if it's because I never "baby talked" to him. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with me. My son also has a wild understanding of the ways the world  works. He knows that muttering 'fuckin shit' under his breath is only going to get him a mild scolding from me. Here's the thing. He KNOWS that he can't say those things to, say, my Grandma, or at pre-school.
Now. This may or may not make me the World's worst mother. I'll let you be the judge. If you don't mind reading about the crazy shit my kid says, great, read on. If you don't like it, that's cool too. Just know, that if you offend my kid, he will likely use his pretend phone to call the Police and order a hit on you. Don't take it personally, I have been pretend murdered a million times and I'm still just fine.